It is a common misconception that shamans around the world make use of mind-altering substances to ‘journey’ (see my previous post, ‘How to journey’). Whilst some do, it’s worth noting that the majority do not. Entering an altered state is perfectly possible to achieve through setting your intention and visualising. And what is the best tool to assist this process and the one most commonly employed by shaman around the world? A drumbeat. Drum for yourself, or listen to a recording, and simply drift away!
Why, then, are we so fascinated by the stories of shaman who use ‘plant medicine’ and why do so many westerners travel to Peru specifically to experience this medicine for themselves? Is it the illicit nature of hallucinogenics? Because we cannot take them in the UK, does the rebel in us actively seek them out?
As a former teacher and a police officer, my feeling towards ‘drugs’ had been hardened by seeing the damage and heartache which the pursuit, as much as the consumption, of controlled substances can cause. Since relinquishing my uniform and following a shamanic path, I suppose it is fair to say that my feelings have changed somewhat. Enjoying journeying with a drum beat from the first moment I was introduced to it, I began to wonder what it might be like to journey with the assistance of plant medicine.
My first step on this path was to try the one shamanic plant medicine which is available in the UK – ‘Cacao’. Cacao (or ‘raw chocolate’) has been used ceremonially for thousands of years in Central and South America to commune with the gods and release emotional blocks. I attended a ceremony in Central London with Rebekah Shaman (see livingshamanically.com), a skilled shaman and Ayahuaschero. The brew itself (simply powdered cacao beans and hot water) tasted like a very bitter hot chocolate.
After drinking a large cup, we lay down and Rebekah led a guided meditation. The cacao left me a little emotional, which is the most common side effect (n.b. nausea is the most common side effect of Ayahuasca!) but I certainly felt very relaxed and enjoyed the journey, although I can recall little of it now. I know that I received the message ‘cecil wilson 359’ but I have yet to figure out it’s significance. (Google it and you’ll get the Facebook profile of an American used car salesman – maybe we’ll meet some day?) All in all, I really enjoyed the ceremony and was intrigued at how the Cacao had enhanced journeying. As a result of this positive experience, I began to research Ayahuasca.
In short, Ayahuasca is a brew made from the Banisteriopsis caapi vine (ayahuasca – photo above) and Psychotria verdis leaf (chacruna – photo below). The DMT, or hallucinogenic chemical, is actually present in the chacruna leaf but it is only activated in the brain through the use of the ayahuasca vine, which counters our natural DMT inhibitors. The brew can increase heart rate and blood pressure, so those at risk of heart disease are cautioned not to take it. In addition, the psychedelic effects of the brew can lead to elation, fear and illumination, so those with existing psychological issues are similarly cautioned. Aside from these, the side effects seemed to be limited to some purging (vomiting and, occasionally, diarrhoea), which actually could be beneficial in expelling parasites.
I also discovered in my research, however, that there were plentiful warnings about carefully picking your guiding shaman (or ‘Ayahuaschero’). The demand by westerners for a powerful experience or vision (bearing in mind that taking the traditional brew ‘guarantees’ neither, particularly the first few times of ingesting it) has led some unscrupulous shaman to add other hallucinogenics (e.g. datura) to the brew which may have serious, even deadly side effects. There are even reports of Brujos (witches) who masquerade as shaman but who have evil intentions (e.g. to steal tourists’ energy or power).
My guiding rules, should I ever wish to take it, I decided, were that I should find an Ayahuaschero who was recommended and whom I trusted to authentically prepare the plant medicine. I also felt that I would only like to take it in the company of people I knew and trusted. When I heard that the ‘Spirit of the Inca’ group were adding a few days in the Tarapotan jungle to their regular trip to the Sacred Valley and Lake Titicaca, I was intrigued, particularly as the jungle resort, Hampichicuy, was run by a skilled Ayahuaschero. I determined that I would return to Peru with them and that I would consider sampling the vine.
Hampichicuy turned out to be a beautiful secluded resort on the edge of the Amazon. The view from the open air dining room into the jungle was breath-taking, with the occasional monkey spotted swinging through the dense foliage. I was particularly shocked by the view of the lake beyond the swimming pool (photograph below) because, although I knew that I had never physically been to this place before, it was familiar. I knew that I had seen it in a dream but I had no idea of the significance of the dream.
In the morning of our first full day in the jungle, our Ayahuaschero told us that we had to take a purgative first. This green, sour concoction is supposed to induce almost immediate vomiting, in order that you do not feel so nauseous when the Ayahuasca is taken in the evening. Unfortunately, the purgative failed to produce the required effect in me. I had thought that merely being in the presence of a group of people who were vomiting into their own private buckets would provoke the desired effect but my body stubbornly refused!
Despite drinking about two litres of water (which was supposed to encourage my stomach to comply) and taking a second dose of the purgative, nothing happened! I found this enormously frustrating. I wrestled with thoughts that I was ‘failing’, that I wasn’t doing what was expected of me. In addition, what was being screamed inside my head was that I was ‘holding on’ to my past relationship. I had done so much work on ‘letting go’ that I fought against this absurd suggestion but, later, I knew that it must be true. Indeed, however much I resisted, it was quite clearly my body’s way of telling me that I had not fully completed this process.
Of course, the purgative doesn’t just ‘give up’. Unfortunately, if you don’t vomit, you still ‘purge’, just from an alternative orifice. An hour later and I soon realised that I would much rather have been sick!
That night, my first time taking Ayahuasca was, frankly, terrifying. I was thinking absurd thoughts about our patently loving Ayahuaschero actually being a Brujos out to steal my soul, or worrying that I might have an undiagnosed heart condition, which would react badly with the brew.
Each person, sat around the ceremonial hut (photograph above), would go up to the Ayahuaschero and sit in front of him. Depending upon his ‘reading’ of the person at that moment and the background information we had provided him, the Ayahuaschero would mix the concoction to different strengths for each person. We were advised to knock it back in one gulp. I was surprised by two things – firstly, that it had ‘bits’ in it, rather than being smooth; secondly, that it was not nearly as unpleasant to taste as my research had led me to believe. It was actually not that dissimilar to the cacao plant medicine.
I returned to my seat and the procession of people continued. After about ten minutes, I recognised that my body was reacting as if the chemicals which I had ingested were poisonous. I had once had an allergic reaction on a transatlantic flight and the feelings were much the same – I experienced an intense cold sweat and, alarmingly, my hearing started to recede. Finally, silver stars burst in my eyes, with increasing intensity, until I thought I might be about to faint and there was a moment of intense panic. Apparently I violently shuddered and cried out at this point but I have no recollection of having done this. I only know that it happened because my friend, Claire Kedward, was seated next to me and she told me about it the following day. After I shouted out, she had become concerned about me and even more so when I then went very still and quiet, which encouraged her to check that I was actually still breathing!
After a few minutes, I felt heavy in my limbs and I experienced some heightened awareness. I was aware of seeing the room a little bit like Neo sees the digital world in the film, ‘The Matrix’, pulsing with ‘code’. But, astonishing as it is to me now, I know that, at the time, I put this down to being a mere trick of the moonlight. I was so wrapped up in my disappointment at the lack of awe-inspiring visions that I actively rejected any strange new perceptive experiences. I know that I saw the moonlit shapes outside the hut merging to become a great Cathedral but I still dismissed this particular visual shift as inconsequential.
Increasingly frustrated, I tried to communicate with my spirit guide, my Wolf, and I was angry when he chose not to respond. Aren’t you supposed to help me at times like this? I asked. Why am I not seeing anything amazing?
I felt quite nauseous at this point and vomited a small amount. I was left even more frustrated that I might have expelled the medicine from my system but, fearful of the initial reaction I had, I chose not to take up the offer of a further dose. Still tired from travelling, I chose not to lie down, for fear of falling asleep and ‘missing’ the experience but I found it difficult not to drift, particularly as the chanting of the Ayahuaschero was both soothing and grounding. After about three hours, people began to drift away from the ceremonial hut and I stumbled up to my own bed.
In our group discussion with our Ayahuaschero the following day, there was a mixture of responses. Some recounted vivid experiences, some had experienced nothing, some had been very sick. No-one, however, seemed to have felt poisoned, as I did. I sought clarification as to whether I had experienced an extreme reaction, whether I would be risking my health if I were to drink the brew again, but I did not seem to get a straight answer, which I found very frustrating. I could also see that, when I expressed some dissatisfaction at the lack of any ‘visions’, our Ayahuaschero was at pains to point out that this was perfectly natural. I later found out that he, himself, had not experienced anything profound until his third time of taking the plant medicine, many years ago. I knew this was the case from my research but I still felt the need to express my disappointment that my first time taking it seemed so anti-climactic.
As the day wore on, I found that I was becoming extremely nervous about taking the medicine again. My feeling that I had been poisoned was making me increasingly fearful. I considered not participating in the ceremony that evening.
“Well, what’s the worst that could happen?” my friend, Claire, asked me.
“I could die!” I responded indignantly.
“And how do you feel about that?” Claire asked me.
Claire had been my personal shaman when we performed the death rites for each other in the series of ‘Spirit of the Inca’ training courses known as ‘the wheel’. The rites seek to help us to make our peace with death, so why was I now so scared?
“Well, what’s changed for you since you did the rites?” Claire asked.
“I’ve fallen in love”, I said. I clearly wasn’t willing to relinquish my life and abandon my new found love! So, if I were going to take the brew again, I was going to have to be brave.
Traditionally, shaman have often faced frightening tasks, in order to establish their credentials as peaceful warriors. We look into the shadows and seek out what most people run from, in order to learn from it. We confront our own death in the ‘East’ class and we make peace with it. Clearly, I was going to have to make peace with it again.
I was late into the room that night, so I began to panic a little that I couldn’t sit next to my human security blanket (Claire!). Also, the view from the other side of the room (photograph above) was of a part of the camp which had felt familiar to me when I arrived, from a dream (see earlier photograph). I honestly wondered if it’s familiarity was because it was the last thing I would ever see, if this time I had an even more extreme reaction. The Ayahuasca plant, after all, is known to shaman as the ‘Vine of Death’…
I recalled something I’d actually thought of the previous night – the Jonestown Massacre, when Jim Jones had administered cyanide to more than nine hundred of his followers. Was I really going to drink this particular ‘Kool-Aid’? I began to panic that I was too trusting in our group leaders and that I knew so little about this Ayahuaschero myself, or his intentions towards me. He seemed like a good man but was I willing to bet my life on that? However, once I had actually plucked up the courage to go up to the Ayahuaschero and drink the medicine, I felt an odd sense of calm. Somehow, knowing what I had previously experienced allowed me to relax and not to panic when my body began to react in a similar fashion. Just as I had done with the death rites, instead of panicking, I greeted the feelings as an old friend – I was not afraid. This time, instead of a cold sweat, a warm sweat came over me and I was perfectly calm, knowing that the effect would pass in moments. Even when the hearing in one ear receded, I did not panic this time, I knew that the effect was only temporary, that my hearing would return.
I realised how important the first night’s experience had been. What I had dismissed as a mis-fire, as nothing, held some vital teachings. For one thing, it had encouraged me to look again at my relationship with death.
I suppose I should clarify at this point that I have no wish to ‘shuffle off this mortal coil’ any time soon but, when my time comes, won’t it be much nicer to greet Death as an old friend and go peacefully into the night, instead of raging against the dying of the light? That’s not me giving up on life, or in any way surrendering, that’s just me recognising that it is an inevitable event and I would not like to be in fear throughout my whole life of something that is, let’s face it, a certainty. Better, then, to accept and embrace it and feel how much my life is enhanced and made all the more precious by so doing.
Immediately after the ‘poisoning’ symptoms had receded, I relaxed and let the medicine ‘take me’ – I began to have a strong vision of floating in the blackness of space, of passing stars and, finally, moving into a gentle orbit around an alien planet. To my upper right was an enormous, black alien spacecraft. It was both beautiful and terrifying and seemed to have moving ‘tentacles’, as if it were somehow both mechanical and organic. The vision was brief but powerful, like a particularly vivid dream. When I came out of it, I think that I was a little disappointed – is that it? I wondered. Unlike the previous night, however, I thought that it might be interesting to lie down and to ‘journey’, just to see whether my journeying might be rendered more vivid because of the Ayahuasca in my system. Oh, boy, was this the right choice!
I began in the usual way (see my previous blog entry, ‘How to journey’), envisaging my tree and travelling down through the roots and the earth, down through the cleansing pool of water and then…
Suddenly, I was beneath the water and I was looking up at the surface, to see both whales and dolphins swimming above me. I could breathe perfectly well under the water and I felt calm in the tranquil, blue ocean. The sea creatures glided passed me, beautiful and serene, the whales singing songs.
Then, suddenly and dramatically, I was running at full pelt with a wolf pack upon dusty ground. As I’ve mentioned, my primary power animal, my spirit guide, is a wolf and I knew that Wolf was amongst these creatures but I found myself smiling – it was nice to see him with a pack, rather than alone. I realised that he had not abandoned me yesterday evening but that I had needed to face my fears alone. Had I been given a straight answer by him, or, indeed, by the Ayahuaschero, I would not have been able to let the medicine take hold and grant me this experience. I needed to face my fears and confront them. I needed to look into the shadows for myself.
Then, I was deep in a forest and came to a sudden stop, confronted by a huge stag, so beautiful that I actually shed a tear. The stag seemed to morph into Herne, the Hunter, and I was offered the chance to put my long term issues with masculinity in the past. If I wanted, I could take hold of a spear, which represented both power and leadership.
Looking at the spear, I was afraid. I had been experiencing a connection to a conquistador on this trip (see my previous post, ‘Once a conquistador…’) and I imagined that taking up the spear would make me war-like. I briefly saw myself as the conquistador, fighting against the Inca at Sacsayhuaman, and it was not a pleasant experience.
When I returned to the Stag/Herne, my vision of the conquistador and my notions of taking up the spear as embracing a conquering and oppressive persona made me reluctant. But then I was shown a few future and past incarnations, where I HAD seized it –
Like a scene from ‘Star Wars’, I was some kind of sci fi Emperor on the bridge of a spaceship, with officers scurrying about. I looked through the giant windows out at the stars and down on to an alien planet, which we were orbiting.
I was then a Pharaoh in Egypt, I got the impression that I was Seti I (photograph of his death mask below, he ruled 1290-1279 BC). I noted with delight that my new boyfriend, Dan, was beside me in this historical era. I was addressing a cheering crowd.
I was then an old priest on Wayna Picchu. I was already familiar with this incarnation and his regular descent from the mountain to Machu Picchu, in order to encourage the sun to rise and assisting its descent at sunset. I felt how wonderful it was to hold such wisdom and to be so sure in his life’s purpose.
Returning to the Stag, I now chose to accept the spear and to ‘step up’ into this new power. The Stag told me that I would find a symbolic spear somewhere in Peru as a physical reminder of the one that I had chosen to take up. (I did find a ‘spear’ in Peru but that story is probably worthy of a blog post of its own!)
As with my last blog post about the conquistador, I would like to make clear at this point that I do not claim that any of the lives I experienced in these visions were previous incarnations (e.g. that I was once actually Seti I), or, indeed, that I expect to be a Star Emperor in a future incarnation! Ayahuasca is a teaching plant and I, personally, believe that I was shown these particular lives in order to learn something from each of them.
Finally, my particular concerns over being poisoned were shown as echoing a time when I had been a murdered herbalist. In this incarnation, I was a woman and was murdered by my female partner (an incarnation of my ex, incidentally!) who had eyes for a younger girl. I felt the deep sense of incredulity and betrayal and felt great fear at my imminent death. When I opened my eyes, however, I felt a sense of relief that this incarnation, this shadow part, had been seen and acknowledged. It felt like another step in reducing my fear of death. Sitting up and watching others lying down, journeying or resting, I felt that there was still a final piece to be revealed, and so I chose to journey again. This time I felt that I was specifically communicating with the Ayahuasca plant, as if she had a consciousness. What she told me was that her gift to me was that my subsequent visions, when I journeyed, would be stronger and more vivid. She also communicated that I did not need to consume her to connect with her, she was an intrinsic part of me now and her teachings were accessible at any time.
When I emerged from the hut, in a little bit of a daze, I was astonished to look up at the sky and see it so strewn with stars. I had not seen it as clear since my visit to Lake Titicaca the previous year. Looking straight up I was further amazed to see the constellation of Scorpio, my own star sign, directly above my head. I recognised its question mark shape. Beneath its tale was a small yellow dot, which I knew was Mars. ‘Mars in Scorpio’ – symbolic of focus and will power. It seemed the universe was telling me that it was time to step up…